Conversation Styles Differ

Hot Air

Conversation Styles Differ .... Well that's an understatement. For some, conversation is a stream-of-thought run-on-sentence without punctuation or paragraph marks. Do you talk incessantly in ever widening circles as a way of thinking out loud? As a self-soothing smoke screen to fill up the space between you and another person? If so, this is written for you.

Some other people (including me), need to breathe and have silences in a conversation. We need a meaningful deep pause to collect our thoughts and share or to respond to a speaker. If there are no silences then we will just let the speaker go on and on.

I am listening, but I might be four sentences behind your rapid speech, thinking that what you said doesn't make any sense, seems out of proportion, relies on circular reasoning or a 'straw-man' argument, or that there are facts you mentioned which were improvised out of thin air. Or that this is the 3rd time you said the same thing. Sometimes I see an assumption you have made about me which is upsetting.

But you are six or seven paragraphs ahead of me now, chatting on all by yourself, making more statements that make no sense. So I think - there are so many disparities in this that it's pointless to bring it up any of them - so I let you go on and on and on even though I am beginning to feel beleaguered, buried under all the words.

And you wont find out for weeks that that my ex-husband is dead, or that I locked myself out last night at midnight and had to climb in through the window. At some point I might seem to be getting tense. I might quite suddenly say - "let's change the subject." or "I have to go now." I might quite suddenly, vigorously object to the last thing you said -- but the arc of it is this:

You have created a lengthy machine gun attack of words, and I have finally responded by running into an underground bunker and closing the door.

Location location location

 A cactus has been lurking silently in the backroom of this residence for as long as we have lived here. It was a gift from a former friend just before moving here. The damn thing lived on and on - longer than the friendship which gave way and finally collapsed under the weight of unfulfilled expectation. I rarely do the expected thing, or the polite thing. Some people want me to conform

 It didn't bother the cactus though at least not for many years. But even a cactus requires attention in the form of light and water once in a while. The blinds were opened, The pot was behind a pile of books. It didn't get water and the sun shone on and on. I forgot it to death. It happens. I just watered it though it is pale and brown. Just in case there is a tiny spark left. You never know.

.

Poem for April 3 - SHARED SPACES

MM and  TieDown the helicopter test dog share a bit of lawn.

NaPoWriMo #3  (am a day late on this one) and I am ignoring the prompt.... In the picture I share a bit of lawn with TieDown. He was named after a helicopter test called a "tie-down." This pup showed up during such a test where my Father worked.  He came home with Dad and lived all his years with us. He has nothing to do with this poem really, though the picture of this shared spot inspired it.

SHARED SPACES:
Like wine, friendships age
      could be perfection or vinegar.
Sometimes what is not done wins a friend:
     An absence of too loud chat and shrill barks
     A lack of yanking this or that when in proximity,
     A lack of poking pointing fingers here or there.
The end of a friend can be that too:
     what is not done, what is not said
     what never comes up, what is omitted
     the little lawn of the heart overrun with weeds.

Of Annual parties and dumpster relations

Today I am asking questions about friendship.  This is the season where a certain sort of party-giving person might give a party and invite their friends.

I have never been much of a party person. I have days when I can work a party room like an insurance salesman- charming even strangers, cajoling and connecting. Other days I sit in the corner nursing coffee or alcohol without saying anything unless directly spoken to....  I think this is a fairly common failing.

In advance of a party where I don't know anyone but the host,  or where I haven't seen or spoken with anyone there since last year's party - I work up a great deal of dread. Over the years in a changing life, one can accumulate annual parties where your only existing connection with the other party-goers  is a memory of a past connect that may be decades old. You don't know them anymore and they don't know you - but someone keeps inviting you for old times sake, or for the sake of a memory of friendship past.

But you can't recreate a friendship that has died with party small talk. There isn't time in a half a minute of conversation to catch someone up on the nuances of a year of your life or to understand their life in return  and when those un-communicated nuances pile up over decades between people - what you have is no longer a friend. What you have is an acquaintance.

Then there is the question of what is a friend. That's not as simple a question as the teenagers think it is. I am  not talking about having 2000 "friends" on YouTube or Facebook. That's a study in volume not nuance.

Then there are folks who use you as an emotional dumpster. For instance, if someone calls you up over 18 years only when they need to vent about their boyfriend, spouse or children misbehaving - is this a friendship?  If you call me up and invite me to watch you clean your house, (yes I actually have had two different women do this repeatedly), and a part of the conversation is the various fun things you have done with  other folks you know,  (usually couples you and your husband know) and you wonder why I don't call you - well enough said about that.  If you call me up indignant that I have not stopped by in ages - and you don't even know where I live, despite the fact I have invited you over....   well, I have philosophical enemies who know me much better than that and who are a lot more fun.

If you have never read my blog - if you don't even know I have a blog -- are you my friend? Since I am a writer, can you really know me?  I am a a charming performer, but when I am no longer on, I am really rather a recluse.

Then what kind of friend am I? I rarely call anyone. I am a recluse. I am, at this late age, no longer interested in talking about how I FEEL. I have learned its what you do that really counts. And what do I do? I forget people's birthdays, often fail to appear at parties, abruptly stop returning phone calls. Often I have my reasons. If you want to know why, ask.

I suspect I will spend my elder years in a tiny eldercare apartment, playing bingo in badly decorated dayroom with people who can't remember my name and I won't be able to remember theirs either.  And then friendship will be like skating - moving smoothly through a bingo game with a wry nod and a smile, living in the present moment, until tea or the next meal or bedtime.

I am not sure what I mean by any of this....

Finding a new niche....

Okay for years you were boss.... had an office to go to, people who awaited your judgments and executed them, who held you in respect. Now you are toast, no title, no job, no house. Now what?

One of the things you have to re-invent is the way you relate to other people - and you have to find people to relate to. You cannot sit home glued to Monster.com or Craig's List or the newspaper want ads - all shrinking like a shallow puddle in the afternoon sun. You can not just churn out resumes week after week, accruing rejections like a manic unknown writer.... without beginning to crumble under the lack of interest unless you take steps to reach out in other ways.

Human connection and the esteem and comfort conveyed by it are health giving and life affirming. Feeling you have some utility is important, it's a reason to survive.

So - you need activities that bouy you... stretch your concept of you in relation to others....

First take inventory.... what hobbies have you ever had that others' seemed to appreciate? What free activities can you engage in where other people are present?

WHo do you know who might need help and encouragement? Remember though you are not in a position to offer financial help, anyone can encourage someone else.... anyone can offer a kind word and a listening ear... etc etc